Up to you...

It's harder to have done what I have done that it seems. I don't know what you perceive of it nor will I know until I find out but it is a risk I have to take. There is no other motivation behind it other than the measures of selfishness otherwise known as self preservation, at least emotionally.
After meeting you, being able to know you and helping you, I've become a better person as well as wanting to become a better person because of it. I'm not perfect nor do I think I am a superior person for having done, the things I have done.
However, I believe that I will honor it only if I get what I at least deserve but I do know that what I deserve is something that you will have to decide.
I know my actions are easily equivocated by others and there is no reason for me to be able to be distinguished from others but I leave up to hope, a chance.
I only wish to be able to return to the person that I am, the level of content which I am used to and want to be able to have. My only realizations is that with you, my state of content is never filled because of what I wish to be able to mean to you.
My intentions are never wished to be associated with conditions of normality.
I cannot reveal to you my thoughts and with good reason in doing so because mine are with complications and for the sole reason of my thoughts being mine to bare.
I can only hope that you have a glimpse of what I'm thinking but even that, it might be hard to hope for.
This could either lead to a fresh start or the end.

With expectations, comes the expected...

I guess it was known all along, it was to be expected and that is why it is easier not to feel so bad about it after all. It's been tiring hiding it all long and I am tired.

I doubt myself of being able to doubt you

Perched upon a bedrock of unknowing assumptions, I see nothing in front of me. Memories flicker amongst the creeping mist in which I would seemingly disappear. At this point, options that render the possibility of closure would either be waiting out the mist to pass or unperching myself from this bedrock of torture.

Either path that I will have to choose, there is only me to blame, whether it be an addict to hopelessness or being too blind to digest the dose of reality. I am only left hanging, reminding myself of the possibility, reminding myself of the pain I succumb to in self punishment.

You don't have to worry for I shall not blame you, only resulting in the obvious villainization to be able get 'my feet back on the ground'. If there has ever been one thing that I wanted with you, it's honesty.

If it isn't me, it will be someone else, life moves on while mine only lingers. My only wish is for your happiness, regardless whether my presence is part of the picture. I hate that I subconsciously doubt you while I consciously trust you out of willingness to believe you. Is it trust or blind faith, a question which I am yearning to answer for the benefit of my own doing.

It is perhaps to a few reasons that you are not able to do this, keeping true to the words in which you speak. Perhaps, it is to my benefit by doing so but benefits are not suppose to dangle and torture. I have nothing but preconceived notions on what tomorrow will bring yet I do not know what the future holds. Maybe my actions will bring closure, perhaps it might be the end.

I'll try not to hope. I'll try not to be disappointed and by that I mean, even if I am, you will never know.

Emotional sadism...

The pain makes me feel alive, weird as it sounds. Logically, it would seem that it is others that cause you pain but I wouldn't like to think so at certain times. I don't blame you but myself, developing this pent up hope and bliss which only gets seemingly shot down.

I will only tell you that I am because I will be. I'd like to believe that I have a good ability to self rationalize. I'd only tell you that it does not bug me because I am able to. Emotions are a double-edged sword in which, as odd as it is, it either builds you up to be the epitome of the moments or it simply drives you to pit of despair.

It helps me feel, it helps me experience pain through pleasure. In all things, a balance is achieved. Without mishaps, there is no success. Without wrongs, there are no rights. Without pain, there is no pleasure.

As difficult as it is to best describe what it is that I feel tonight, I will say that it feels good to some degree. I choose to refrain from villain-zing you because I can. I will only appear happy because I am able to.

Disgruntled as I am, I am glad for this pain because it reminds what it is like to feel.

You make me smile...

There is no explanation for I could simply cycle through what you have heard before but to be honest, from your giggle to your wit, I just can't explain it. Whether or not I get what I think I'd want, what we share is beyond my selfish being.

I have been sheepishly living for myself for the time being though with you, I seem to change. Others seemingly note of the difference with your presence and I cannot deny it. A few have come to despise what I have become as of result but I love it. It almost seems that I turn into the person I ought to be instead of what they want me to be.

For many reasons, I think it is impossible but for other reasons, I still hope. It is not to your fault but my own and any pain is my own doing. The thought of losing you is far worse than what I hope for and that, in it self might be the culprit.

With you, there are a lot of things I don't know and I can only trust with that I've been told. I can only cherish times we've had and the times we will have together. Whether it could be or not, I've never regretted what I've done and what we've shared.

You'll always be the one that makes me smile.

Theory of Care

You can only be in a state of blissful ignorance for so long until you realize that being nice to everyone only results in unwanted problematic issues that arise. Although I would love to keep every friend that I have met through the course of moving about to being back where I supposedly belong, that is in all essence, a practical impossibility.

Friends really do come and go. In efforts to please all of them simultaneously with in a reciprocal manner, instead it fails me and truly, a lesson to be learned. In this reality which we occupy, fairness is simply non-existent. When push comes to shove, you are only left with friends whom you can distribute, however much of your limited that you might have toward.

Furthermore, there are friends that you definitely value and certain ones that you tend to value more, simply a matter of picking and choosing. It really dazes you in wonder because you understandably can not do so and will not be able to have your cake and eat it too.

Splitting the slices of the cake of your time really becomes complicated and only amounts to jealousy to those whom do not share the same amount of the metaphorically phrased desert. Granted, I have to admit that my attention no longer is distributed equally as I have come to be concerned about certain people over others. Still friends none the less, the slices of the pie is noticeable and understandably so, it creates the need for more cake for some and the victimization of those whom are already getting most of it.

Mistakes are in abundance in the course of our lives, never escaping the harsh truth that we live as a student of life. Being nice, too nice only gets someone hurt. Being decisive only leaves you with too few of a number of options. I'll meet you halfway.

Monday Morning

Randomly randomized scribbles of randomly randomized scribbles....

Waking up to your pretty face each day
The scent of you on my pillow case
Having a brand new start to make my way
Yet I tremble at the thought of the fray

The sun mourns at the sight of me
Clouds gather to celebrate the tragedy
Tears from the sky rains with glee
Maybe its a Monday morning or just me

You're love's like a cigarette
I can't get enough of it
You get me high, without flying
I'm in an total abyss